Everything that I am is being shaken.
My internal paradigm of how I act and react in life is going through a seemingly immense phase shift.
But the process of it getting there has been quite intense.
Nearly all that I do and think is nearly ‘out of alignment’ with a newer sense of standard of living that I have begun to embody but always striven for. Quite a long time has passed me by while I just sat in hope that I would miraculously just ‘click’ – flip the switch – and be that which I was not yet ultimately wished for.
I am a part of something so great with others just as incredible.
However, I have not yet fully embodied what is needed of me to completely resonate with the energetic of where I am going. And so, aware of this, my internal state has begun to break down. In every area. In every way.
And it continues.
Fear arises in so many old ways … habits of frozen energy … comforts that promotes no growth … familiarity to an extreme.
I have returned ‘home’ to my family and energetics of my past, seemingly to transmute them all, and in the process – I am brought to worry. I have returned once more to an overwhelming and all-encompassing ‘pressure’ that is elusive, subtle, powerful…
I’ve been set ablaze on one of the most transformational journeys that I think I have ever been on.
I feel as though I am skating on the thinnest ice, which is protecting me from depths of despair and isolation while I glide towards a promised land, all while knowing that the very feelings and thoughts that I am on ‘thin ice’ between ‘despair’ is the exact reason why I ‘might’ be.
I am not.
There is nothing to fear, whatsoever, and thus I have been perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy of sinking and drowning.
Underneath it all, however, I know that it is okay and everything is perfect.
That below these depths is yet another promised land.
I can’t go wrong, no matter how I look at it.
Even being on ‘ice’ is promising!
So why is this happening?
Oh so many reasons … but the one that my egoic mind goes to is a very deep drive to not let someone I deeply care about down. And any noticeable energetic mis-match with this person is painful to an extreme for me.
The real reason, though – is that I think I finally need me to step up to my true self.
And my family and the the world needs this now more than ever.
I have been on an ‘awakened-unawakened’ path for too long.
There is no more room for the old me.
So what do I do?
I think the time to emanate ultimate peace amidst all other ‘outside’ factors is Now.
Having lived in the city and worked stressful city jobs while living in chaotic and dark environments – I can easily claim that this ‘peaceful’ an ‘easy’ time back at home with nearly no hours to work is proving even more difficult to remain still.
It’s easier to see and feel what I can be at peace with … what I may need to finally integrate. There is less noise to distract me from myself.
And I won’t go into the depths of how this is reflected in the collective with things such as COVID-19 – but this is a very big shift that’s happening to everyone – and this is my story of it.
Peace and neutrality (true neutrality) is a very active and exciting state to truly live from.
This feels to be my (current) ultimate challenge along with my other responsibilities.
There is no where else to go for me.
And ironically enough —
I’ll be going nowhere.