I relax outside on a couch as I watch the ocean and waves of Hawaii come in under the sunset.
While enjoying my new setting, I decided to begin blogging again, and stumbled upon my last draft of a post which never got published because I didn’t have pictures placed in them yet.
Everything below, except for the images and their excerpts, are from 5 months ago which is right before Valentines Day of 2020.
Right before the Corona Virus started.
And right before I leave NYC and start my new remote life…
Away from the 9-5 grind and soon-to-be US epicenter of the pandemic.
I enjoy speaking of things such as dimensions and consciousness.
Of ‘higher’ frequencies and the intricacies of reality and the process of its constant creation.
And I am under the impression that within higher dimensions – humour… is a predominant energy.
Outside of ‘everyone there’ taking things so much more lightly…
Doesn’t it just make sense?
When you are laughing, you may notice a very obvious shift or increase in energy.
And when you are in a comical mood, in general, everything becomes filtered and the things that you previously took seriously tend to become… not so serious at all.
I believe it’s time to dive into my inner Matrix!
I haven’t done it in a while and forgot it was an integral part of my website.
Generally speaking, for those who don’t know; I often discover layers of my psyche in this process.
Let’s talk about the most relevant thing that has come up for me… which isn’t anything new… but is certainly a ‘problem’.
Here it is again, showing up in my life, and in a very damaging way.
What’s interesting for me, at least, is that I currently have an energetic that even allows this experience to play out and yet I am connecting and becoming very in tune with high-frequency beings (Ariya and Ashtara).
Now, I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem to have a drink or two.
But it certainly ‘is’ when I drink so much that it takes a whole day to recover.
I’ve spoken before about golden spirals of creation — where basically, you perpetuate positive butterfly effects into your own existence.
Drinking as much as I have in my recent past does the opposite of this.
It’s a dark spiral of creation… and is also not.
Why it is a dark spiral of creation
During the state of being drunk – you are creating at a level that is by its very nature – destructive.
You consume poison, and if you drink enough, you become literally toxic.
And can also die…
This has an effect in your immediate, near, and distant future.
After you drink, you are also in a state that is not healthy and can end up using time that could otherwise be used to create positively.
So if you are previously on momentum of high vibration, this will set you back.
It sets you back and then some.
Why it isn’t a dark spiral of creation
It can be a pivot point.
If it serves to steer you away from itself, then while it’s not a Golden Spiral, it can be the beginning of one. It can be a start of uplifting change.
But will it be?
Last Sunday night, I drank for about 12 hours.
I was very hungover the next day and absolutely weakened to the point of being vulnerable to a very painful experience of flu.
I was out of action from all of life for nearly 12+ hours.
The next day, I was fully recovered and healed and felt like I could run.
I thought to myself…
Fast forward about FOUR days and I did it again.
I became so hungover that I slept for 17 hours and then another 12 practically immediately afterwards.
It was one of the worst experiences of being hungover that I have ever felt.
Fast forward TWO days later and my supervisor takes me to our usual lunch at the brewery.
EVERYTHING that I could possibly want on the list was unavailable – though I did try a drink which ended up being terrible.
Then I went to my favorite cafe-bar for some work for Ariya, and was immediately bought a drink from the friendly neighborhood Fritz.
Her name is Fritz and she’s basically a pirate.
I opted for a peppermint mocha.
Then I went up again to the bar, after the work, and asked for a cider (alcoholic).
The bartender accidentally serves my favorite beer, a sour, and gives it to me for free.
It ends up being from the bottom of the keg and left a very foul taste in my mouth, that I still can taste as I type.
Still not taking the hint, I ordered the cider anyways, and now it sits to my right.
I took two sips and will not be taking another.
This weekend my father and brother are coming into town for my last city hoorah and to move me back to Upstate NY.
My dad’s plans were to…
The song that just started playing is ‘Last Hurrah’ by Bebe Rexha
The lyrics immediately begin with “I am done with the drinking…”
At a brewery — even though I stated my last weekend with him in the city should be without drinking.
“Just two drinks”, he says.
And you know, my mind is like “that’s okay” — but I know it’s not.
My friend at work said at work today, after I mentioned getting lunch, “We need to get drinks. We can do lunch, but we should definitely do drinks as well”.
Do you see the pattern?
The energies around me are so entirely for drinking and I have allowed it to consume me.
So how is it that I am connecting with Ariya and Ashtara?
Well, I can say that the trajectory is quite aligned and that all is Divine — but I am indeed ‘honored’ to be part of their Story and their paths of enlightening the world and helping the collective ascend.
For you see, I partially don’t feel like I am ready/worthy/aligned due to the above-mentioned happenings!
Now – I know who I am and what I am here to do.
Again — I do and I don’t
So I am quite clear on my worth and capabilities and thus what I have to offer them and the world.
And I can feel the end of a very comfortable way of living.
It’s a life of avoidance.
And so… to get to the unraveling of my personality and belief systems…
Why do I like drinking so much?
Very obviously to me — it brings me to a false-harmonic of Source energy.
It ‘opens’ me up, allows me to not worry, and helps me to ‘see clearly’.
Emphasis on ‘opening up’.
I am quite introverted, though certainly social, and have had past experiences (in this lifetime and certainly others) that have led to closing off my heart and concealment.
This has been one of my deeper energetics that I’ve worked through and has led to facets of life that have helped me become aware of its obvious affect on me and my desire to change it.
And it is exactly aligned into what my life’s trajectory is pointed towards —
Which is that of bringing us all together.
‘Helps’ me to feel my path while simultaneously steering me away from it.
It’s a nice tool of darkness if I do say so myself.
Do you know how many commitments I make during intoxication?
And usually they are all with other people that I then immediately regret the next day when I am sober and the walls come back up.
Every single time.
So what is happening with this situation?
I am clearly pivoting away from it, but what exactly does it reveal that I haven’t seen yet?
Let’s list the things that I think/feel/do and see if something comes up.
When I drink I often, I:
Open myself up to others
Reach out to others
Have a fun time
Feel very confident
Become productive (usually)
Do not worry
Think everything is funny, and as we now know…
… jeez no wonder I drank so much
In other words, as previously described before; I am in a state of ‘flow’.
It’s an unnatural and false feeling… but it doesn’t feel that way under the influence.
Do you know what I like to do?
Other than talk about this stuff as I previously mentioned in the beginning of this post?
I enjoy self-actualization – which is partially what I am doing here.
And within this field of actualizing my Self – I am fond of transmuting and energetically uplifting myself.
And I do this via positively altering my belief systems, energetics, or otherwise anything that is ultimately hindering me in living the life I want to in the pursuit to benefit All.
What does alcohol do for me?
It stops me from feeling what is preventing me from living this life that I so often dream of.
When I become aware of these feelings of dis-resonance (which drops when I am drunk) — I very easily transmute them and energetically shift myself.
And so as I have been drinking so often –
I have been hiding from that which I truly seek which is freedom.
Supposedly it is now time to become free, then?